Very rarely are you ever going to hear me say that you are better off NOT having pizza than even having the most pathetic $.99 shame slice*, because very rarely is that true. Well, today is one of those sad days, pizza friends. Don’t bother with #pizzalist’s Original Pronto Pizza unless you hate your stomach and want to commit suicide by pepperoni grease.
“Best Pizza in Town”, if you’re really into vomiting and heart disease.
On the one hand I was excited about this pizza as it was chock full ‘o cheese, they didn’t waste any space on unnecessary crust, and the pepperonis were speecy-spicy**. Then I picked it up and the pools of grease that had formed on top began cascading about me like a waterfall of wasted opportunity. We can put a man on the moon, people. We can make a cheesey pizza that doesn’t have to be dabbed at with a napkin like a d-bag***.
They can’t all be winners. I’m sure even in heaven there’s a crappy part of town with bad traffic.
This pizza left me feeling ill, which for most people who don’t ignore their evolutionary instincts is a sign to not eat it any more, but I’m an American, so I gave it another shot reheated the next day. Same story. Turns out death pizza doesn’t suddenly become quality over night thanks to any magical properties of my refrigerator.
Sigh. Such is life. Let my story be a warning to you, fair pizza eaters, and steer clear of the Original Pronto Pizza. Now, who’s hungry for a haiku??
Drips, like tragic pizza tears
*About as rarely as Lindsay Lohan successfully completes a court sentence. #topicalhumor
**For those of you who don’t speak it, that’s Italian for “kinda spicy”.
***D-bag= dabbing-bag. One whose “bag” is to “dab”.
One of the beauties of #pizzalist, other than the obvious I-get-to-eat-pizza-all-the-time thing, is that it is centered upon my natural desire to be lazy. In other words, every pizza gets delivered, to me, in my home, where I probably look like a hobo because I’m sitting around in my knickers unwashed and watching back-to-back episodes of Rescue Me. It’s the American Dream. It’s that kind of luxury and freedom that my father came to this country to give me*, so darn it, it is a veritable PILLAR of the #pizzalist model.
Well, father, I let you down and actually went OUT for this #pizzalist pizza at Capizzi Pizzeria. Turns out, there are benefits to this novel concept of actually eating pizza in-house. They include (but are not limited to) being able to enjoy the house Montepulciano and these whimsical menus.
He’s half tongue-licking pervy, half I-wanna-give-him-a-hug. Thus, you win, perv.
While Capizzi runs on the pricier side of things, they had some delicious offerings, including the prosciutto and arugula pizza I shared with an old friend. Brass tacks: quality ingredients, heaping prosciutto, cracker-y crust, light on the sauce, could’ve used a liiiiiitle more cheese**, all-around winner in my book***.
You may notice they’ve employed the “Trodgor method” of slightly burninating the crust edges.
Moral of the story: if you’ve got a few extra bucks in your pocket and you’re looking for a fancy pizza, ignore the fact that it’s located in Hobotown underneath Port Authority and visit Capizza Pizzeria****. Trust me, once you’re inside, you’ll forget you’re in Hobotown and feel like you’ve transported to beautiful Flavor City*****. Haiku!
Old friends catching up
over a decadent pie
Sweet, the memories.
*That, and GoGurt. No GoGurt in Cuba.
**Because this is America.
***Or e-book, as ‘twere these days.
****Maybe take a tin of baked beans as a peace offering, just in case you do get cornered.
*****If you’re lucky, you might spot some bum fights on your way out of the neighborhood. Dinner AND a show!
I’m going to be honest with you, because you deserve that. Readers, I’m going to give it to you straight. No BS, no fancy language; heck, I’m not even convinced I will use multi-syllabic words.
In fact, I’m about to use NO multi-syllabic words to tell you about Rosa’s Pizza*.
One of the worst oft-used box schemes out there. Where did they make this pizza, “The Max***”???
I drank some wine with friends. Scratch that. I drank a good deal of wine with friends. We sat on my roof, on a nice day, and did this. At the end of the day, we had a need for pizza to give weight to our tums. You know what I mean.
Rosa’s Pizza hit the spot.
Some may call it “drunk food”. I just call it food.
Top marks for thick cheese and a crust of dough. Low marks for style and sauce. At times, sauce just ends up a waste of time; a thing that does not add to a pizza, a thing that just makes the bits on top not stick in place. This was one of those times. But all in all? She did the trick. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand - HAIKU!
A day in the sun,
Anchored in pepperoni.
Again, next weekend?
*Except for “Rosa’s” and “pizza”, obviously. Don’t be ridiculous**.
**And the haiku is exempt. Just want to cover my bases before one of you #pizzalisters gets all snarky barky with your syllable-counting malarky.
Yesterday I needed some pizza in my life and I needed that pizza to be topped with meat, so I went onto GrubHub and ordered a pepperoni and sausage pie from New York Sal’s (212-901-3760 | 696 10th Ave, New York, NY) New York Sal calls this pizza the Rose Mary Pizza. Now, I don’t know who Rose Mary is, but she must be important to Sal because this pizza was clearly made with love.
Do not use this picture as a map to find New York Sal’s. It is neither inaccurate nor to scale.
Evenly spaced meat,
rubber crust, could be improved
Could have used 5-7% more cheese. There. I said it.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: Tonight the Oscars are happening. They are long and contain a lot of boring bits. So supplement your viewing experiencing by tuning into my live show tonight at 9-10 pm ET (http://bit.ly/AngelaLive)! There will be special Oscars games, we’ll be following along with the awards (so don’t worry, you won’t miss anything) and there will be special guests! Tune in to find out who I am wearing and what pizza I will be spilling all over it. SEE YOU THEN! TELL YOUR FRIENDS!
Greetings, pizza lovers! Today’s #pizzalist pizza joins us from a local purveyor of cheap pies- 99 Cent Pizza Express*!
I like a pizza place about 15% more when they have their own customized pizza boxes.
Even though pizza is a already vegetable (or at least that’s what the government tells me), we thought we’d make it even MORE healthy by ordering pineapple and jalepenos for toppings. Full disclosure: The pizza was not 99 cents, but it was reasonably priced. And for a pizza place that sells 99 cent slices, quality was higher than I expected. Overloaded with fresh pineapple. Hints of spicy jalapeno. The crust wasn’t much to write home about but I’m ok with that. Too much crust just wastes precious stomach space. Take a look for yourself.
COVERED in sweet delicious pineapple.
My friend Rob is the guest haikuist today. Overall we enjoyed 99 Cent Pizza Express; I have a feeling they will become a staple for everyday on-the-go pizza eating when darting about the neighborhood. Nice work, 99CPE. On to the pizza poetry!
Chunky and spicy
Dollar pizza gives me pause
Fresh pineapple chunks
Bountiful juice of the pie
Until next time, pizza friends!
*Yes, yes, I was supposed to order chorizo pizza from the Tick Tock Diner but as it turns out- they do not sell pizza. LIARS. DIRTY FILTHY LIARS. I WILL CUT YOU WITH MY PIZZA ROUNDY, YOU LYING LIARS**.